Calling Troll 2 a complete train wreck of a movie is like referring to the bubonic plague as a mild case of the sniffles. If you have never witnessed this cinematic atrocity, it’s extremely hard to even explain what the the hell actually happens in this movie in a few concise sentences; but hey, I’ll give it a shot. Basically a family decides to take a summer vacation in the no horse town of Nilbog, only to discover that the town folk are really vegetarian Goblins (get it, Nilbog is GOBLIN backwards) that like to turn people into plants before they eat them. OH YEAH, there’s also a witch, a slew of Winnebago bound horny teenagers and even divine intervention in the form of Grand Pa Seth, the dead grand father of the Wait family’s son, Joshua. Oh, I almost forgot the best part — this trash wasn’t even meant to be a sequel to the first troll movie. It was originally titled Goblin, but the title was changed to capitalize on the amazing success (where’s my sarcasm font when I need it) of the original juggernaut. That’s like if I made a movie about mutant, space ponies and decided to call it Sea Biscuit 2.

Well, as you have probably already guessed, this turd burglar never got released in theaters, and was instead relegated to the late night Cinemax line-up in 1991. This is unfortunately when I first saw Troll 2 while looking for late night boobies. I was 15 and sat through this whole movie hoping and praying I would see something. Well, I didn’t — and spent the next 20 years of my life trying to forget that fateful night. Well, imagine my surprise when finally looking back on this flick actually brought a smile to my face — thanks to The Best Worse Movie.

The Best Worse Movie is a real treat. If you asked me, finding out about the armature cast of Troll would have been the last thing I would want to do; but this documentary is not only frightening as you would imagine, but really entertaining. Michael Stephenson, who has the distinction of playing the punk kid in the movie, crafts a really engaging film while weaving through all the ridiculousness that surrounds this epic failure. You will laugh and cringe uncomfortably as the doc delves through the real life mental patients involved in the production, the terrifying, rabid Troll fans that continue to watch this thing again and again and the Italian director who was to embarrassed to even use his name on the picture — but now will argue and chastise anyone who doesn’t agree with him as he compares Troll to Lawrence of Arabia.

The real Gem of The Best Worse Movie, though, is George Hardy. George is a sweet and endearing, all be it, slightly repressed small town dentist who though it would be fun to be in a movie while he was in college. He has always been ashamed of the movie and is really shocked when he discovers the films small group of devoted fans. This is the really amazing thing about Worst. The film manages to capture the entire evolution of a media star, through the mediocre rise and fall of George’s dreams and aspirations of channeling all of the attention he is now getting into a new acting career. It’s amazing how quickly Hardy gets caught in all the hoopla of a few late night screenings, where rabid fans treat him like a celebrity and hang on his every word. He goes from a man who can barely get through a line of the movie without laughing, to a guy sitting behind a booth at a convention who has said the line so many times that he is sick to death of it — all the while trying to get people excited to get his autograph. At one point in the film, he even considers leaving his practice to move to LA and become an actor. His eventual crash into reality is poignant and ridiculously sublime as he questions what the hell he is doing at a horror convention, while pointing out all of the costumed horror fans with gingivitis.

I can not recommend The Best Worst Movie highly enough. You will quickly get swept in the lunacy and ridiculousness of the whole thing whether you are fan of cheesy horror films or not. And it doesn’t matter if you have never seen Troll 2. In fact, it is probably better if you haven’t.

It’s in a very limited release right now, but you can check out bestworstmovie.com and see when it is coming to a theater near you

Saw this on the net today. I think it’s the description from the back of an Asian bottleged DVD. If we are all lucky though, this was actually mined from the future by a time traveling bootlegger. At least I hope and pray, cause I can’t wait to see Batman rumble with Jackstraw the evil doctor and Chief Tougon on the big screen.

Jesus, what did we use to do with our free time before the internet.

Being an animation nerd, I really enjoyed the art and character designs I saw for Dreamworks first animated television show, Neighbors from Hell; and I was really looking forward to seeing it. Well, imagine my surprise when it popped up on Adult Swim tonight. Yes, the art and character animation is really snappy, but this has to be one of the worst cartoons I have seen in a long while (even worse than Comedy Central’s retched Drawn Together) — and based on the disclaimer Williams Street put up before it started (with a movie preview screen rated M for MEDIOCRE), they aren’t too happy with it either.

The show takes the tired, age old  premise of sticking a fish out of water, creepy family in a typical suburban nightmare — you know, like the Addams Family and even the Munsters did much, MUCH better OVER 50 YEARS AGO. I could have lived with that setup if the show was smart; or at the very least, you know… funny. But, NOOOOOOO. What do we get from Neighbors from Hell? Literally poop jokes (with people actually holding poop mind you), beastiality, suicidal pets, alcoholic parents (really breaking into uncharted ground on this one DW) — and I swear to Christ, a white woman throwing out  a N*GG*R joke. I don’t even have the balls to type that word out on my own blog folks, but Dreamworks had no problem casually throwing it out there on television tonight. Not even the great Patton Oswald, cast as a demonic little house dog, can save this atrocity.

At least I know this thing will never show up again when I am falling asleep to Adult Swim; but knowing that it will soon rear it’s ugly head again on TBS, makes me want to avoid that station like the plague. Dreamworks, launching into television animation is a TERRIFIC idea. I just wished you wouldn’t have wasted your talented resources on this trash. Pull the plug on this abortion now, and come up with something better next time. Oh yeah, and please don’t scrap your televised aspirations when this turd bombs. I know you guys have it in you to give us something truly epic. I promise I will forget about Neighbors from Hell when you do.

I remember getting my first Orange Julius when I was 6 on Christmas Eve, at the Southern Park Mall in Bordman Ohio with my Dad. The orange drink was indeed very tasty, but what I really was gaga over was the tacky decor. The whole place was done up like some kind of hell bound, cavernous brothel — with giant, fake stones lining the walls bearing cheesy, bronzed torches with a chintzy plastic light cover shaped like a swirled flame. Yes, this was indeed heaven to a boy who craved Halloween 24 – 7. And the whole effect was caped nicely by a REALLY sweet logo featuring a zany, psychedelic typeface and a cute little Devil sitting on an orange bearing the catch phrase “A Devilishly Good Drink”. Man, I wish they sold T-Shirts there with the logo on it, because I would have begged my parents to buy me one.

Anyway, for the next couple years, no trip to the mall was complete without a stop to my cave of wonders. Well, all dreams have to come to an end I suppose. One day while back-to-school shopping at JCPenny’s, I ran toward my favorite watering hole only to run strait into a freshly erected wall bearing the words “Closed For Remodeling”. Well, I guess my innocent mind was to young to fully comprehend what was happened behind that  cheep, hastily constructed wall because when the Julius re-opened a couple months later, my heart broke. Gone were the bronze torches, replaced with the same kind of florescent lights my grade school used. Gone were my favorite stone walls, replaced with sterile white walls. And worst of all, WORST OF ALL, they took my favorite logo — the one with that sweet font and AWESOME little Devil, and replaced it with a monotonous, corporate logo.

Why, why, WHY would they do this. To this day, it still pisses me off. Well, 25 years has given me a lot of time to think about it, and it probably went down like this. I picture 31 krusty, old guys sitting around a long, dusty boardroom table in a dark, dank, moldy office. 30 of these tired bastards are all nervously staring around as the head Dick in the room ponders why sales have slipped 3 points in the second quarter — when finally he muses out loud to himself that McDonald’s always makes a bundle every year. “Hell, over 90 million served. If we want a piece of that action, maybe we should be more like them?”; and finally, after everyone of his cowardly underlings stare dully at him for a minute, they all wobble their dim heads like dashboard headbobbers and wildly agree. And so the story goes. They strip all the fun and charm from the old girl, just to make a couple more bucks. Well, that’s how I see it any how.

But I digress. Yes indeed, that was one sweet logo — but I have had a heck of a time trying to track down a picture of it over the years. To make matters worse, I would talk about it with friends and they would have no idea what I was talking about. Well, finally I was able to find a little crappy jpeg of it:

At least I know I didn’t imagine it; but that is one tiny, crappy little jpeg. Well, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

So here you go folks. I redrew it so you could see just how fricken amazing it is. I was right, wasn’t I, hee hee. Now, all I have to do is stick it on a t-shirt and I’ll be the coolest kid on the block.

Well, at least I got the logo now, but the actual place I guess will still have to stay in my memories, I guess. If anyone out there has pictures of an Orange Julius in it’s heyday, please email them to me. I can pay you in back rubs.